


A Very Dadly Evening

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (They aren't related in this AU), Dadliness, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-12 13:25:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the kids are away, the dads <i>will</i> play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Dadly Evening

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/38154.html?thread=38913802#cmt38913802) on the kink meme.

Mr. Egbert, of Maple Valley, Washington, is the picture perfect father and businessman. Each day, he wakes up, prepares his son a hearty breakfast, ushers him off to school, dresses himself immaculately, and heads to the office for a neat and orderly day at work. Each night, he retires in his study to read his favourite books, or converse with his associates through the Serious Business PDA app under the username _pipefan413_.

Mr. Crocker, of Maple Valley, Washington, is the picture perfect father and heir to the Betty Crocker Corporation. Each day, he wakes up, prepares his daughter a hearty breakfast, ushers her off to school, dresses himself immaculately, and heads to the BC Corp HQ for a neat and orderly day at work. Each night, he retires in his study to watch his favourite TV shows, or converse with his associates through the Serious Business PDA app under the username _pipeaficianado11_.

Mr. Egbert’s son and Mr. Crocker’s daughter are schoolfriends, and if Jane Crocker has her way tonight, they will soon be more-than-schoolfriends.

 

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:57–

GG: John!

EB: oh, hey jane!

GG: I had a question that I wanted to ask you.

EB: sure, shoot.

GG: Do you,

GG: Um, that is to say,

GG: Would you, John, be willing to…

GG: To go to a movie!

GG: Uh, with me, I mean.

EB: are you asking me out?

GG: No!!!

GG: Er…

EB: it sounds like you’re asking me out, jane.

EB: in fact, i think there is at least an 85% chance that you are asking me out.

EB: and it goes up to, like, 91% if you’re blushing right now.

GG: Well…

GG: Okay, yes. That is precisely what I am doing.

GG: Um.

GG: If you don’t mind!

EB: actually, i mind quite a lot.

EB: i am offended that you have asked me out.

EB: i’m practically seething with rage right now.

GG: Oh, god, I didn’t mean to…

EB: (heheheheh.)

GG: John!!!

EB: got you! heheh, my prankster’s gambit is shooting though the roof right now.

EB: watch it go: PCHOOOOOOOOO KRAK-BOOM!!

EB: that was the sound of my gambit hitting the moon and exploding into a thousand wriggly…paper…snake things.

EB: you know, the kinds that come out of those prank tins!

GG: I know the kinds.

GG: I have used them multiple times. Hoo hoo! :B

EB: anyway, of course i’d like to go out with you!

EB: like, jeez, i can’t believe you didn’t ask sooner.

EB: i was about to do it myself!

EB: ask you, that is.

GG: Great!

GG: Golly, I am blushing like a schoolgirl, I…

GG: See you at the theatre, John!!! <3

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 19:05 –

EB: uh.

EB: you forgot to specify when…

 

* * *

 

Eventually, Jane returns to specify a date for their date. It is decided that Jane’s father will escort her to John’s house, as it is nearest to the movie theatre. The two teens will embark on their maiden voyage in the realm of dating, and their parents will remain behind, so that they may be properly acquainted with each other for the first time.

John sits in his bedroom, staring at the note his father left on his bedside table earlier in the morning:

SON.

YOU HAVE SCORED A DATE WITH AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY. SHE SHARES MANY INTERESTS WITH YOU, AND HER FATHER IS A RENOWNED BUSINESSMAN. THIS IS VERY FORTUITOUS. YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.

TONIGHT, YOU WILL BECOME A MAN.

I AM SO VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU.

John rolls his eyes and sighs, pocketing the note. The doorbell rings. He checks himself in the mirror one last time, pops a breath mint for good measure, and hurries downstairs. Before he can even see Jane, he finds himself face to face with her father, whose appearance is almost eerily familiar. Mr. Crocker has come prepared to deliver…The Talk.

You be nice to my daughter now, it begins. Treat her right, have her home safe and sound at the preordained curfew time, don’t go getting all handsy with her until at _least_ the second date.

John assures Mr. Crocker that he will be the perfect gentleman. He won’t even pull any pranks on her for a change!

Awww, Jane sighs, stepping out from behind her father. She would have liked to see what kind of special date tricks he had up his sleeve.

She is beautiful. Her hair has been carefully sculpted, her make-up gingerly applied, and her dress – which her father probably bought for her – falls perfectly between stylish and modest. Perhaps the most beautiful, however, is the slight bump beneath her sleeve that John is certain contains a deck of cards ready to spray out in his face, or a lengthy handkerchief, or some other pranking material. John’s jaw goes slack for a moment. What a girl!

Now, you two kids go off and have fun, says Mr. Egbert, and then in unison with Mr. Crocker: I’m so proud of you. Everyone in the room seems to raise an eyebrow at that, and the two men chuckle, and Jane mutters something about how weirdly similar they are. Then, they wave their goodbyes, and the two kids exit the house hand-in-hand.

They have barely left the front porch when Jane pulls out a slip of paper and shows it to John:

DAUGHTER.

YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE COURAGE TO ASK A DASHING YOUNG MAN TO GO OUT WITH YOU. HE SHARES MANY INTERESTS WITH YOU, AND HIS FATHER IS A PROFESSIONAL BUSINESSMAN. THIS IS VERY FORTUITOUS. YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.

TONIGHT, YOU WILL BECOME A WOMAN.

I AM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU.

John chuckles and retrieves his own note from his pocket, and she laughs at that one. What are the odds, she wonders? It’s like they are long-lost brothers.

Or soul-mates, John jokes, and Jane smacks him upside the head. Don’t even joke about that! Can you imagine how _horrifying_ that would be?

 

* * *

 

Mr. Crocker is delighted to see that Mr. Egbert’s kitchen cupboards are filled to bursting with Betty Crocker products. Mr. Egbert explains that he inherited a love of baking from his grandmother, and loves to keep the house stocked with cakes – especially on special occasions like his son’s birthday. Mr. Crocker jokes that he inherited _his_ love of baking in a more literal manner, and suggests that perhaps they bake a cake for the kids to eat when they get home.

A capital idea! The two men begin preparing immediately, and soon the kitchen is hot and heavy with the warmth of the oven and the smell of batter. Mr. Crocker observes that his fellow father’s baking style is immaculate. They are going to be fast friends, he is sure.

While they wait for the cake to finish baking, the two men head to the living room, perhaps to watch some TV. It is soon discovered that they share a mutual love for a certain mustachioed funnyman. Such a handsome fellow, Mr. Crocker muses, and Mr. Egbert turns to him with a gleam in his eye.

Jeff Foxworthy is not the only handsome fellow I have had the pleasure of laying eyes on tonight, Mr. Egbert explains, and he reaches out a hand to tenderly caress Mr. Crocker’s rear. The other man gasps, and raises an eyebrow. Such a brazen solicitation!

Mr. Egbert chuckles: I think you’ll find that I am a very brazen man, Mr. Crocker.

The two men lean ever closer together, the heat almost tangible in the air, and then… _ding!_ The oven timer goes off.

Mr. Egbert suggests that perhaps they should go take out the cake and set it on the counter to cool off. From there, they can head up to Mr. Egbert’s room, to observe his collection of pipes and other dadly knick-knacks.

Another capital idea! Mr. Crocker is very impressed by Mr. Egbert’s pipe collection, and by his tie collection, and by his hat collection. He explains that he is a man who appreciates a neatly organized collection of dadly knick-knacks. Nothing in the world is quite as…erotic.

Mr. Egbert loosens his tie, and begins to unbutton his shirt. He nods towards the bed. Perhaps it is time to retire for the evening?

Mr. Crocker removes his slacks and folds them into a neat pile. Agreed, he says.

And they will _not_ leave their hats on.

 

* * *

 

John and Jane arrive back at John’s house to find their father’s hats on the bedroom doorknob. The walls are, for the most part, sound-proof, but the faint sound of a creaking bed can be heard. John retches, oh gross! Jane’s face is indescribably horrified. Slowly, brokenly, they march back downstairs, open the fridge, and pour each other a drink.

A toast to our ruined innocences, they say, and they begin to chug.

 

* * *

 

The air smells faintly of shaving cream. Mr. Crocker adjusts his shoulders and sighs, content. He stands up, to allow Mr. Egbert to roll up the bedsheets and place them beside the clothes hamper, to be laundered at earliest convenience. Mr. Egbert retrieves from his closet a fresh set of sheets and places them on the bed. He nods, finding them satisfactory. The bedroom television is playing a tape of old Jeff Foxworthy routines. The two men place their hands behind their heads in the exact same pose, lean back against the bed, and regard the mustachioed comedian fondly.

Everything is right with the world.

Everything is just dadly.


End file.
